Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just had sex on a roof
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
