Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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