apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
