i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
