I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
