Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
