i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
