I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
