If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
