i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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