were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
