i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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