I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
