He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
