i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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