just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
