woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She's the barista slut.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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