i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
