Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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