i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
