worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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