omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
