lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
