I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
