no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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