Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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