I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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