a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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