he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
