that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
