I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update