I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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