when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
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come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party