I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
