Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
