She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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