Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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