My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
nutella sex= disaster
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
