i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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