You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
