No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
