broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
