I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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