I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
