if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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