How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
