Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
