I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
