Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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