Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
