I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
