why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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