I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
