I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think I died a long time ago.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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