in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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