he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
