You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
