I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
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You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage