I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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