I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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