If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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