I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
