so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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